he loved everything
in pencil
the only things
i don’t blame him for
are all the earrings i lost
I think back on the backwards behaviors I witnessed growing up.
The hateful tendencies modeled for me, with a blessed few exceptions that glisten with rarity.
I cannot blame people who were and remain too ignorant to conduct themselves any differently, but I will never forget. To forget is to fall victim to the past.
Family does not always equate with goodness if its members are bad apples, you see.
I grew to emulate sickness, as children learn what they live, but matured toward enlightment eventually.
It’s okay to trust, to be honest, to love completely.
I have benefited from these heartbreaking moments. Bestowed upon me was a how-not-to guide.
What was broken inside me by the dysfunction of other people, is still mine to fix… and I’m trying, damn it, even succeeding regularly.
So, if I miss a few family reunions from now until the end of time, don’t bother forgiving me.
I thought that I loved you,
but it was just your talent for lying
over candlelight.
every night you were away
i sought you out
through blackberry bramble ether
from weeping constellations above dixmyth avenue
to jessamine county barns filled with horse hay
perpetually wrapping blue ribbon around my finger
whispering vespers
my plea to the particles of the universe
to hold you together
to bring you back from oblivion
as you had done for me
you are my chosen family
inextricably part
of my thunderous heart
to which you will always hold the latchkey
every day
with him
was the last day
she got distracted mid-orgasm
thinking about a situation at work
and cursed, baffled
that’s fine, she thought
the spacious hierarchy
and building structure will allow for
never walking through
that department again
as the days pile up
flash bulb memories
are what i remember
of the alcoholic father
the alcoholic first husband
the drunken loss of a decade with the blue eyes
it may be a disease but that makes you no less vile as a person
there’s no excuse for
trembling as my dad threw a giant television set out the front door into the yard
stairs turning upside down as the father of my sons headbutted me into submission
for wanting to leave his dysfunctions
threats of handguns and bodybags
that’s booze soaked rage
a blitzkrieg of anger
a pot boiled over
every tea kettle in the world simultaneously
spitting steam
screaming
i walked into our backyard and spoke
to the witch hazel tree this morning
she was the closest woman i could find
beneath a sun that decided to shine
for the first time in a week
witch hazel calms angry skin
soothes redness and inflammation
her fleshy bark turned to me as i told her our story
though she already knew the words
she had felt the earth around her roots quake as i screamed
for the baby i tried to give you who is buried perpetually at our feet
for the day i walked out on you in a restaurant
to not hurt you with my sharpened tongue
i didn’t want to lash out at you for wounds i’m still nursing
that you didn’t inflict
the way you had the nerve to follow me
and when our eyes met
you smiled because you love my damaged heart perfectly
i told the witch hazel tree all of this
her buds bloomed yellow petals for an answer
right in front of me
-i love you, James
