last night i fell asleep
reading on the couch
waking at 1 a.m. to find the television on

the screen displayed a commercial
featuring a woman applying makeup in a mirror
explaining to her bumbling husband
who was showering
(and illiterate for the purpose of this advertisement)
that he was washing his face with
her ph balanced summer’s eve feminine wash

she said if it was gentle enough for his face
it was gentle enough for her “V”
yes, you read that correctly
she actually referred to her vagina as
the letter “V”

i take issue with douchepeddlers
who are afraid to use the word vagina

but more than this
i take issue with the false dynamics necessary
to convince a woman
she needs to purchase a special soap
to wash her mysterious nether regions

it requires making a vaginal soap that reads
“External Use Only” on the bottle
what a mixed message

it requires a marketing campaign
creating the fear that your vagina
will smell like swamp snatch if you get caught using ordinary soaps or washes

it requires consumerism as disease
lurking within your female genitalia

it requires willing suspension of disbelief
and forgetting that women
somehow managed to wash their crotches
before 2008

and their is no male equivalent
for a man’s penis and testicles
the shelves are all together devoid
of axe brand cock n’ ball wash
because men are less gullible consumers

remember that

the soap
the marketing
the fear
the dichotomy
the disease

the next time your unwashed anxieties
dictate you spend
another
$7.98